Chapter Six, The First Last Stand

I suppose it would be difficult for many people to imagine how very tiring that perpetual attention can be, even to the point of boredom.  But that was precisely how I felt- I was worn out with all the admiration, with playing the abashed hero, and I wanted nothing more than to be out of the confines of that accursed hospital wing.  I was so desperate to escape that my urgency overbore even my painful recent memories, so that when the chance came to be on the move, and, more essential to me especially, to be useful once again, I leapt at it.  It happened that I had been complaining to Harvey- rather self-pityingly, I fear- over my plight, and he had assured me that he sympathised entirely, although I suspect he was confused by me eagerness to leave the comparative luxury of the hospital tent, with the care of the doctors, for the sparse, harsh field tents.  Nonetheless, when he discovered that we would be on the move before long, he agreed to put a word in higher up about my rejoining the regiment.  So short of men as we were following the charge, that his suggestion on my behalf was received without a scrap of opposition.  Well, on that account I must confess I exaggerate- one man did meet the proposal with no little animosity.  It was George Paget, who strongly voiced that I was unfit for the field, and ought really to be returned home, but the others in charge who had not spent quite so long by my bedside overruled him, and though I was glad of his concern, I felt inexplicably happy when he was ignored- too happy by half, if truth be told.

But whether I ought to have been pleased or not to be on the march once more, on the march I was.  Perhaps ‘march’ is too strong a word, in my state, but I hope that I maintained a brave face and kept up with the best of them.  Anyhow, we were not long before reaching Inkermann, where, it was predicted, it would be best to face those incessant Russian troops.  It was around this time, of our arrival, that I began to feel the beginnings of a growing regret at being quite so willing to leave the comfort of the hospital in order merely to put my head back on the block.  Of course, I kept this inappropriate feeling to myself, imagining how it would look to the others if the hero of Balaklava were to shirk in his duty to Queen and Country, despite the treacherous fear that grew ever stronger in my heart, until it threatened to break forth and consume me completely.

My faithful comrades, or, indeed, I may call them friends, put my out-of-sorts behaviour down to the terrible knocking about I had received not so long ago, and I had no inclination to enlighten them otherwise.  How could I have done it, after all?  No, to my mind it was infinitely better that the illusion remain firmly intact.  I did try to share my true feelings with perhaps the only man there I could in good stead call a true friend; William Harvey.  I remember that conversation well, for it showed my how blind even the most perceptive men can be when he chooses.

“Harvey,” I began, uneasily.  “I feel that I must tell you the truth about how I have behaved of late.”  My friend looked at me closely, examining my nervously earnest expression before replying, his voice gentle and understanding.  “Don’t think of it, Montgomery.  We- that is, the men and I- don’t mind a jot.  We understand your pain; though personally, I know I can but imagine what trials you must be going through.  You must know, though, that we are right behind you, me especially, in your suffering.  Never feel you have to be alone in it all, Montgomery.”  He put a comforting arm on my arm, and I gave a weary sigh.  “I thank you, for the loyalty and support you unfailingly provide, my friend.  Once again, you go further than I could ever ask.  But, it is really not so terrible as it seems, you know.  I am making real progress in walking now, and I even worked up a passable jog just the other day.”  I looked at my companion, hoping to have reassured him somewhat with such an encouraging report, but he just gave a sad smile, and shook his head.  “You see?  That you can stand before me and say, in utmost earnest, that to almost be able to walk properly, when you are about to do battle any day now, is quite wonderful…  I do not see how you do it; how you keep that smile through it all.  But I admire you for it, my friend, and I hope that you never lose your optimism- it is truly a great gift.”

It was clear to me by this stage that he would not hear a word to dispel his belief in my iron will, but I resolved to give the thing one last shot.  “What I mean to say, Harvey, is that it is not my injuries- which you overestimate by half again, at least- that has made me this way.  I am…”  My nerve wavered, and I almost could not say those awful words.  He smiled and nodded encouragingly at me, and taking a steadying breath I continued.  “I am afraid.  More than that, I am petrified.  What we saw, what we felt before…  When I imagine going through all that Hell again, I am frozen to my heart.  It is you, my friend, and the other men, who are brave, to remain so strong in the face of such frankly terrifying perils.  I can but aspire to compare to you all.”  Harvey looked taken aback for a moment, and I held my breath, certain that I had spoilt the most beautiful of illusions, and lost a more precious thing by far- our friendship, and the respect of heroes.  Then he gave a small laugh, and I began to hope- a dangerous occupation indeed, and fraught with pitfalls of disappointment.  “Ah, Montgomery.  If there were a man like you in every regiment, then nothing could stop us!  But you cannot expect me to believe you?  I understand- you want to show the men that they will be thought no less of for their fear, in the cleverest of ways.  Why, if they could believe that a hero such as yourself could be afraid-!”  I sighed.  It seemed that there would be no persuading him, a man normally quite sturdy and clear-headed, of my deepest shame.  Perhaps it was for the best, after all, but I wished that I could have confided in him, at least.  Giving a rueful shake of my head, I smiled at Harvey as though he had caught me at my act.  “There’s no fooling you, now is there, my friend?”  I laughed, a sharp, cynical sound that was quite unfamiliar to my lips.  “It would seem you have seen right through me- I merely wished to encourage the others.  But, you must swear not to tell them of this, then?”  Harvey nodded his consent, and I relaxed.  “I must return to my duties, George,” he said quietly, and I smiled as he used my first name- a very rare occurrence, reserved for only special occasions.  “But rest assured that your shameful secret-” and here he gave a slow, exaggerated wink and a grin, “shall go with me to the very grave.”

“Do not even joke about such things,” I replied, suddenly uneasy at his careless reference to a speculation that could easily become a reality in no time at all.  He shook his head, smiling, and left me to ruminate.